What do you say ?

Our first little angel joined Jesus in spring of 2004 after two years of trying for her. It was very painful more than I ever could imagine. That fall we learned we were blessed with a second chance- yet the fear everyday that it would end too soon was with me till July when she was born. I'm so lucky to have celebrated my first Mother's day with my wonderful 10 month old Ella. Bittersweet to remember the child I carried in my belly in 2004 ( my first mothers day ). This Mothers day although happy just to have my little one smile at me - her smile truly melts me, I am crying inside at the loss of our latest unborn child I will never meet - who's smile I will never see. We decided to wait to tell anyone - praying that we could share the news on Mothers day. I learned days before that one more angel had joined the heavens so silently and again my pain is back. Then I ask how do I get through this again, I decided to share our sad news and hope that it may help me and others. Last time I learned that even friends and family -people you've shared your life with have no idea what to say and therefore say nothing and that hurts more than some who unknowingly choose to say the wrong things at the time. There where so many things that I wished never to hear again and what were the chances.

it's for the best
you were on that diet
you can try again
at least you were only x weeks
it will be ok
so and so lost x many before they had little Susie
why
well at least you have one you're lucky

It's weird people say they are against abortion and yet when you lose a unbornchild -the same people don't consider that a life. What makes us so against the choice to end a life and then so lax about feeling a life that ends to soon- does it not count the same. It may just be the way people treat you -like you did something for this to happen, that's what I feel when nothing is said. And again it is a hard time for mom and dad with a newly lost dream - hope turns to anger- so it may just be that.
in searching I found many thing written that say it better than I can. I hope this can help those people that don't know what to do or say if this should ever happen to your friends or family.





~I won't say, "I know how you feel"- because I don't. I've lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, and pets, but I've never lost a child. So how can I say I know how you feel?
~I won't say, "You'll get over it"- because you won't. Life will have to go on. The washing, cooking, cleaning, the common routine. The chores will take your mind off your child, but the hurt will still be there.
~I won't say, "Your other children will comfort you"-because they may not. Many mothers I've talked to say that after they have lost a child, they easily lose their temper with their remaining children.
~I won't say, "Never mind, you're young enough to have another baby"- because that won't help. A new baby can not replace the child you lost. A new baby fills your hours, keeps you busy, gives you sleepless nights. But it will not replace the ones you lost.

So what will I say?
~I will say, "I am here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere." I will talk about your child. We'll laugh about the good memories. I won't mind how long you grieve. I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
~No, I don't know how you feel- but with sharing, perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through.
~And perhaps you'll feel comfortable with me and find your burden has eased. Try me.
Written by a pediatric nurse, as submitted to Ann Landers



Do say that you are very sorry for their loss... :- There is really nothing more you can say to comfort the people that recently lost their baby. "I'm Sorry for your loss" were some of the nicest words that we heard when we lost our baby. It made us feel like no one was trying to compare our pain and sadness to anyone else's and that they understand that nothing could comfort us. We knew that those who said that they were sorry were really sorry and that they were feeling the pain that we were feeling.

Do Acknowledge the fact that a life was lost, and that life was your friend's baby... :- We were desperate to find people who would understand that it was OUR BABY that died. Our baby's heart was beating and even though it was just a few cells, it was still OUR BABY. The baby that we loved and cared for with all our hearts and souls.

Do call and talk to your friend or relative.... :- Some people chose to ignore us completely. They didn't call us after our loss for a while and they just ignored it. It really made us feel like they didn't care enough about us to be there for us when we really needed them. Those who did call, we were comforted by them, because we knew that they cared about us and our loss to think of us and call us.

Do go and see them if they are up to having visitors, and offer them your sympathies. Send a note, a card or some flowers for them. Take a pie or some food that they might like to eat. This shows them that you were thinking about them. Don't wait for months after the miscarriage to call or write to them.

Do tell your friends that you are there for them to talk to you.... :- When people called and said this to us, it really made us feel better. Don't say it if you don't mean it though.

Do talk about their loss and their baby. Most of the time you don't like to talk to the parents who lost their baby because you don't want to see them cry, or in pain. Most of the time it is, MORE painful not to be able to talk about it.

Do respect their feelings whatever they may be... :- This helps a person to be more open and to talk about it more freely and it does help to talk about your loss with someone who is understanding and willing to listen

Do allow them to grieve the death of their baby... :- A miscarriage is a loss of one's baby. It is considered a death in the family by most bereaved parents and it needs to be grieved. Allow your friend or relative to take their time grieving. Everyone deals with their baby's death differently. What might have worked for you or your friend, might not work for them.

Do Acknowledge the fact that a life was lost and that the woman is still a mother even though her baby is not alive anymore.

Do offer to do practical things around the house. It helps to not have to worry about running the house or what to cook sometimes. If they have other children, offer to take care of them for a while, so that the couple can grieve with each other.

Do get a book or get on the internet and find out how you can help them, and not make them feel worse. I had a friend who went to another friend of hers and ask what she should do to be a good friend to us, and then let some of my other friends know what they all can do.

Do give them gifts of angels when they are least expecting it. Give them comforting books about little angels playing in heaven.

Do remember both the mother and the father on mother's/father's day.

Do remember that a father has feelings too, and to be supportive of whatever he might be feeling.

When a person has a miscarriage it is often one of the most loneliest times in one's life. Most people keep a miscarriage to themselves because they know that some people in the society don't accept a miscarriage as a death and they know that they might not get the much needed support of their friends.

It is really hard and scary to deal with a loss of a child alone. I know it was the hardest thing that we have ever had to go through. It was so much harder when we had to cry alone and hold each other and talk to each other alone.

Since everyone deals with a miscarriage differently, if your friend is not dealing with it the way you would like her to, just be supportive to her. There is nothing more that you can give your friend than your support and love

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."


And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there."So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."


And the mother, when she lay down at night looked upat the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I've given them strength."

And the next day came strange clouds which darkenedthe earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children gropedand stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light. "And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her,for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill,and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."


And the children said, "You will always walk with us,Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......."



Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space... not even death!

MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED...

So now I have SIX teeth - the better to bite my mom with

Well I was 10 months old on the 7 of May
and weigh a heavy 19lbs so all is well in E land.
I hate those shots !!!

then they stick something on my leg- mom said it's tweety band aids -WHO'S TWEETY ANd HOW does that make me feel better????

I'm very excited about walking and still need some help to steady myself but I'm great at cruising around furniture and standing on my own- holding on to something of course!

Mom got me this great cart that drags behind the bike and a new/old scooter with a belt and bar to push me.

I'm even sleeping through the night - mostly

where have we been since v-day

Mom has been soo..... bad about up dating my blog. In February I took a plane down to Texas to see my aunt Judy and grandma and grandpa. I flew into Austin -I liked the ride, my Aunt Cathy was with and was a great entertainer. I got the flu in Austin and puked all over mom more times than I can count -well she said 15 or more. I was sick for the 4 hour drive to Mustang Island and missed most of the fun - I slept through the walks on the beach and the shell collecting. I even had to visit the ER (worst 7 hours of the trip) Well hopefully next time I'll feel better.

Thanks to everyone for having us !